Finding the Thanksgiving in Cancer
- Nov 23, 2019
- 4 min read
I know, I know, finding the "thanks" in Thanksgiving while dealing with cancer is QUITE the paradox. Bear with me...
Before I was diagnosed with cancer (BC), I thought getting a flat tire on my way to my friend's house was the world's largest inconvenience. Not being able to go out on a Friday night seemed like downright torture. My days were consumed with a social life and maybe a little productivity which sounds about average for someone in their early 20's.
After I was diagnosed with cancer (AC), these things became so trivial. All of it. I didn't care about flat tires, going out on a Friday suddenly became a treat, my social life was slim to none, and all my spare time went to trying to accept and get used to my "new normal."
That's not to say the adjustment was easy. In fact, let me make this clear. It's more than three years later and I'm still getting used to it. Is there any cancer patient out there who is sitting at their doctor appointments or treatments thinking, "I'm so glad this happened to me. This is so much fun." If so, please reach out to me as you are now my personal assistant.
I've spent many days being downright angry, screaming into my pillow "WHY ME?!" I've tried to ignore the shit out of it hoping to God it'd just disappear. I've tried playing the victim card... I can't even take myself seriously when I do that. I promise I've tried it all, I've gone through all the stages, I'm a damn veteran at this point... Just waiting for my veteran benefits...
However, the only stage I've found to be any sort of productive, uplifting, or motivating is the state in which I'm thankful. This is not to say I'm thankful for my cancer. F that. That's the last thing I am. However, I've learned that some of the lowest of lows can bring the highest of highs.
Over the course of my time as a cancer patient, I've met people who have changed my life. Both good and bad. I've had doctors who I can blame for the state of which I'm in between the misdiagnoses and the ignorance even after I've tried being an advocate for myself. But what about the doctors who have listened to every word I've said? What about the kind insurance people that put me on hold for 2 hours just to ensure I'm able to get the right treatment? What about the nurses that so lovingly stayed in my hospital room til 3am on the nights my mom was at home just to listen to me cry and tell me everything was gonna be okay? I can't even talk about the physical therapists I've had without sobbing. The people that I've worked with have watched me come from paralysis on a stretcher, to a wheelchair, to a walker, to a cane, to walking on my own. They'll never have any idea how thankful I am for them. The quality service and care I've received throughout all of this has not been overlooked. If I spent all my time upset about the people that have done me wrong, I wouldn't be able to be thankful for all the people that have done me right.
I could be really upset that my cancer came back, but what about the time when it went away? What about the fact that it's getting better? If I'm still angry over the cancer coming back, then I don't believe there is room to be thankful for the milestones and improvements I'm making. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting, it means you'll take the shitty cards you've been dealt and still come out with a Royal Flush.
This brings me to things outside of the medical field. I think when you go through trauma (cancer or not), you view the world a little differently. I've always loved my friends and family, but now I keep them so close, maybe a little too close haha. I'm thankful for the people who go out of their way for you, the people that have a way of being so thoughtful. This whole experience has actually brought my hope for humanity back. People are good, and I believe people instinctively want to be good.
My whole experience has made me thankful for the little things. I'm so grateful for nature. For good food. For handicap accessible places. For technology. For kind grocery store clerks. For my new online cancer community. For a realistic, yet optimistic view on life. I'm grateful for love, travel, sports, California, my bed, living close to family.
And the one thing most people (including me) take for granted... I'm grateful for the health I do have--the organs that are still working, my strong hands and arms, my legs that are rapidly catching up, my spine that's hanging on by a thread BUT still supporting my body. I'm so thankful that I get a chance. A lot of people don't get a second chance, but here I am on my third.
It's a lot easier to have a Thanksgiving mindset when you don't have cancer. It's easier to see the good things when trauma isn't being shoved down your throat. However, it's our job to find it. It's our job to show up on Thursday and still be thankful for what life we have been able to live, long or short. It's our job to show that having cancer can be a strength weapon. Show them.
When you feel like you can't go any lower, stand up taller. When you think you can't keep going, push harder. When you think there's nothing left to be taught, teach it yourself. But just because you're going through a dark time doesn't mean there isn't light surrounding you. Find it.
Happy Thanksgiving to the strongest people I know, I'm thankful for all of you.
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